Jon Millward – Blog

Dirty Words: A Probing Analysis of 5000 Call Girl Reviews

A Textual Analysis of 5000 Call Girl Reviews

There is an online subculture of men who review their encounters with escorts using a frank, exhaustive style you’d associate more with reviews of hotels than sex. I analyzed five thousand of these ‘field reports’ to see what I could find out about the punters, their use of language and their outlook on sex for cash.

Punternet.com is, according to the London Evening Standard, “…the most successful of the prostitute-reviewing Internet sites” – and that’s an accolade the site proudly boasts at the top of its front page, right underneath the garish red logo and two fluttering Union Jack animated GIFs, which look like they’re right out of 1999 (the year PunterNet was established). I was 12 years old in ‘99 and don’t think I’d even heard of escorts, much less spent two weeks sorting through 5000 meticulously written reviews of their bodies and bedrooms. That’s the challenge I recently set myself though. My original intention was to find out what words punters most often use to describe the women they sleep with and the places they go to do it. Are they sweet and romantic (sometimes) or boorish, with the air of misogyny you might expect? (Not that I saw.) At some point through

the scraping, stripping and analyzing of the million words I got from the 5000 reviews, I decided it would be worth getting a bit more from whole thing than just word choice, like how much men pay, what they do with the women and how long they’re allowed to do it before they get kicked out. I’ll tip the hat a little now by revealing that the ‘girlfriend experience’ is more popular than the ‘pornstar experience’ and that foreplay is ranked 16 out of 20 in the list I compiled of most mentioned sex acts. But that’s just scratching the surface. Let’s rewind a little and start at the beginning: how the data was collected. The thing is, statistics can be boring—so every now and then I’ll throw in an excerpt from a review. Also, if you’re gagging for the juicy details, you can skip straight to the conclusions and the infographic I made to accompany this article, which are here.

As soon as Autumn walked thru the door, she wrapped her arms around me, pushed me on the bed and snogged me to death. As starts go this was pretty good.”

Step One: Choose the cities

Because my main goal with this project was to create averages of word frequencies, prices, session durations and so on, I knew I needed a lot of data. I don’t have access to a supercomputer or 6 months free to use Microsoft Word’s ‘Find and Replace’ function (which was part of the text preparation process), so I settled on the figure of 5000 reviews, 500 from each of the UK’s 10 biggest cities by population. These are (or were, according to last the census, taken in 2001):

UK's 10 largest cities by population

After a short wait, Juliet entered the room and was immediately up close and personal, touchy and feely. No two ways about it, this lady spreads happiness, especially in the trouser department.”

Step Two: Grab and prepare the data (boring!)

Actually, this step wasn’t totally boring. This is when I started to skim-read dozens of field reports and notice some interesting things. First was the way a lot of the punters write their reviews. The database punternet.com uses provides certain standard fields for the user to fill out and these cover specific facts about the booking, like how much it cost and what the girl looked like. A lot of punters seem to relish the opportunity to voice their views and go to great lengths to describe their experiences in detail—often graphic, hilarious detail. They don’t all write essays; some are more business-like, all about the facts. Like this:

Great GFE 10/10. Great OWO. Passion 10/10. Eager to please. Clearly loves sex and it shows, loves her job. Treat her with respect and she will make u happy.”

GFE means girlfriend experience, OWO means oral without a condom. The punter subculture has a lingo all of its own and we’ll get to it shortly.

Other reviews are written like erotic fiction: the reviewer describes his booking in massive depth, with no details overlooked. I got the impression that some punters gained an additional sexual kick from the chance to retell their story. Either that or they had nothing better to do. 500+ words isn’t unusual for the ‘comments’ part of the report, which is typically where the punter describes the sex that took place. It was while reading the comments that I made my next observation. The punters often describe the girls and the sex they have with them in a way that wouldn’t be out of place on lastminute.com—it’s right to the point, highly superficial and everything you’d expect of a review that is meant to guide other men into making the right decisions the next time they fancy a punt. Case in point:

Extremely unpleasant, appalling personal hygiene, stinking down below. Booked 2 hrs, couldn’t tolerate the odour. Asked her to wash below… Happily agreed, no better, agreed to cancel and refund the second hour.”

But there are very rarely, if ever, comments that could be classed as abusive, woman-hating or anything of the sort. In fact, a lot of the guys display attitudes that are not only highly complimentary of the girls, but bordering on sycophantic.

Again, though, if the service isn’t up to scratch, the punter will always let the community know: accuracy seems to be king, with flattery second and cringe-worthy outdated UK colloquialisms for sex acts and body parts coming in third, like ‘frig’,‘bonk’ and—brace yourself—‘cunny’.

Gabriella came into the room as I was watching the porn, naked on the bed. I asked her to stand over me and strip, and then to frig herself while spitting at me. She was happy to do this.”

I’m sure she was.

Step Three: Analyze the results (interesting)

First, some figures. As you’ll see in the infographic on the next page, the average cost for a UK escort is £103 ($161) per hour and the average duration of a session is 75 minutes. During this time, the punters indulge in whatever sex acts they’ve agreed with the escort. These almost always seem to include oral sex without a condom. Penetrative sex without protection doesn’t happen or, more likely, just isn’t included in the reviews I looked at because of PunterNet.com’s guidelines for submission: “Reasons for rejecting Field Reports…The report stated that unprotected vaginal or anal intercourse occurred or was offered.” So it seems the admin of the site does have certain moral imperatives. A link to Crimestoppers is provided for anyone who suspects an escort might be underage or working against her will—there’s even a video about trafficking for visitors to download and watch.

All of this aligns with PunterNet’s advertised goal of “…promot[ing] better understanding between customers and ladies in hopes that everyone may benefit, with less stressful, more enjoyable and mutually respectful visits.” ‘Mutually respectful’ is an interesting term, I think, and it does seem to run through the field reports as a theme. Many of the most interesting reviews are ones in which the punter wouldn’t recommend the girl and, as a result, the girl responds with a rebuttal to put her side of the story across. It’s really rather civilised (but still frequently uncomfortable reading):

This was the most unhorny punt I think I have ever had. Why he came to see me I do not know, because I don’t think he got anything out of it, I know I certainly did not. I think he killed it for me when I started giving him OWO. I had just got started when I smiled at him and asked him if this was nice and he replied ‘I’ve had better’.”

It’s while reading the rebuttals that one gets a slightly different perspective on the business. Clearly the punters’ reviews are their memories of the bookings, not the escorts’, who I dare say often have different feelings on certain matters to the men they’re having sex with. One rebuttal mentions how the client, without warning, decided to bite down hard on the girl’s nipple, which she didn’t take kindly to. This goes unmentioned in his retelling of the events that took place, but understandably features prominently in hers.

Rebuttals are few and far between though—87% of guys would return to the girl in their reviews and 92% would recommend her to other punters. This is a good time to talk about ‘other punters’. PunterNet is designed with the punter community in mind and the escorts they visit, but it’s not just online that the men rub shoulders. Many men literally cross paths at parlours and brothels.

I should have walked away when they left me waiting outside the building for 10 minutes. When I did enter the flat I bumped into another punter who was just coming out of the room (not good etiquette).”

If you think that’s bad, you haven’t heard the half of it. Another reviewer mentioned being able to taste the dry saliva of a previous punter on the escort’s nipple while he sucked it. Yet he diligently continued, apparently only partly perturbed. While this casual approach to sharing juices and ‘sloppy seconds’ might not be the norm for punters, it does exist, which speaks volumes about the attitude they carry with them on every visit to a parlour or brothel. It’s a ‘punt’ to them, in both senses of the word. They take their chances and report back on how things go, good or bad, recommended or not. Like any online repository of reviews, it’s beneficial for both the buyer and the seller: good reviews mean better experiences for the men and more business for the women.

Lidia is someone you need to invest in to get the ultimate GFE — however once she tunes into you then it’s all good. Great BBBJ, great sex in many positions. As always YMMV however always found her to be great fun and delivers.”

Terminology was the first thing I wanted to investigate when I had the idea of analyzing escort field reports. ‘Escorts’ is the first interesting word to consider—what does it mean? When I initially heard about escorting I presumed escorts always go on dates with the clients (hence ‘escorting’), however from what I can tell now the only way one could argue the punters are ‘escorted’ is towards an orgasm or two by the hand, mouth or ‘cunny’ of the working girl. The sessions are in-calls (a brothel, parlour or the girl’s flat) or outcalls (the man’s home or hotel) — trips to theatres or restaurants are practically non-existent. ‘Escort’, then, is a euphemism for prostitute in same way ‘curvy’ is used to mean fat. It’s the same thing, but with a lot of the negativity stripped out.

Punters and escorts have terms and acronyms for all of the most common, and a lot of the more uncommon, sex acts. PunterNet even provides a dictionary of terms and abbreviations for the more inexperienced johns, which includes gems like:

• Basket shopping: Observing the male organ through clothing

• Petticoat discipline: Punishing or humiliating a boy by dressing him as a girl.

• Vagina: Orifice of female sex organs

If the punters don’t know what the last one means I really don’t know what they’re expecting for their money – an anatomy lesson, maybe.

I used the full dictionary to draw up a shortlist of the most common sex acts punters buy and their associated terms and abbreviations, then checked which were the most mentioned in the 5000 reviews. Here are the top 20.

Escort Terms and Sex Acronyms

The fluid way in which the men incorporate these slang terms and abbreviations into their reviews hints at how immersed in ‘the hobby’ most of them are. It’s part of their world. They’re super casual about it too—you see the odd first timer writing a report, but most are serial punters with dozens of happy endings under their belts. One man, using the pseudonym ‘The Godfather’, has racked up 249 reports on the site over an 8-year period that have a total cash value of £30,768 ($48,391). Not so much a hobby for this Don Corleone of punting as a career. He has plenty of criticisms of the girls he hires though and seems to have made at least one working girl, called Blaise, an offer she could refuse:

I asked for owo but she shook her head and replied in that strong Brazilian accent of hers ‘sorry beiby..I daon do’. Unbelievable. I’d coughed up 200 smackaroons to see this girl, going £50 over the limit that I usually set on myself and here she was, treating me like some stinking old tramp.”

Whether that was a fair assessment of this man of leisure is anyone’s guess. Blaise didn’t write a rebuttal.

Next page: Conclusions & Infographic →

16 Comments

  1. Rob
    October 23, 2011

    What a thoroughly interesting read… good job!

    • JonGoddy
      October 23, 2011

      Thanks, Rob! Glad you liked it.

  2. Anonymous
    October 24, 2011

    This was really interesting, thank you

  3. James
    October 25, 2011

    Crazy, looks like a lot of work. Very interesting though.
    I wonder how different a word cloud based on reviews from a US site would be…or reviews from any site from any other country for that matter.

  4. Bombay Magic
    October 31, 2011

    I certainly do not think you would have to experience it to analyze it! It’s not what sociology is all about, on the contrary, you need distance to your “subject”!!!
    Accidentally bumped into your blog, and finds it really interesting .… and funny!!!

  5. Exotic Sabrina
    November 15, 2011

    At first I thought this was a wind up, but i’m glad I took the time to have a read.

    It is quite relevant, poignant and at times funny, I’m not one for reviews but it’s obvious that they are taken very seriously! How did you find the time to analyze 5000 field reports?!

    I will give this a shout out from my twitter @ExoticSabrina I hope you get some interesting feedback.

    Sabrina

    • JonGoddy
      November 15, 2011

      Hi Sabrina,

      Thanks for the feedback and also mentioning it on Twitter. As for finding the time to do this, it did take a while, but I used software to do a lot of the analysis of word frequencies and stuff to speed things up.

  6. Cécile
    December 21, 2011

    Very interesting perspective on the topic. It definitely gives a kinder perspective on call girls and their costumers… And the graphics are stunning.

    • JonGoddy
      December 22, 2011

      Thanks, Cécile. Glad you liked it. I’m currently putting the finishing touches to the follow-up article to this one, which is from the perspective of the girls themselves, instead of their clients. It’s been a massive project and involved the direct input of dozens of working girls. It will also feature graphics that (I think!) are a whole level beyond those created for the original piece. Keep an eye out for it in the next few weeks! :)

  7. Janice Mabellon
    August 6, 2012

    So using your guidelines — here is my new ad:

    Hi!
    I am a perky, slim (almost petite), attractive lady with natural red hair, pretty green eyes, large firm breasts, long tanned legs and a fantastic curvy butt. Men tell me that I am lovely, beautiful, gorgeous and stunning but, more importantly I think, is that I am very nice and friendly. You will alway get a big, sexy smile from me.

    I speak English with a heavy Southern accent, y’all, and I am still young enough at age 31 to dream that you might be the perfect guy for me! Wouldn’t that be GREAT?

    I enjoy oral (especially if you cum in my mouth or give me a pearl necklace) and loive all missionary, doggy-style, cowgirl, 69, and anal positions. I specialize in true GFE (girlfriend experience) with deep french kissing. I am slightly submissive by nature and perfer cheerleader, schoolgirl, babysitter, Hooter Girl and other cute scenes. Whoever your fantasy girl is, I want to be that girl!

    =====
    What do you think?

  8. Janice Mabellon
    August 6, 2012

    I could not work in dark or black and had to substitute redhair for blonde but I think I got in all the other keywords. I am interested to know if guys think this is a good ad?

    • JonGoddy
      August 7, 2012

      It’s important to remember that my study was only of the most referenced, most mentioned characteristics in the call girl reviews. To construct a perfect advert, you’d need to test the different response rates of various advert templates, to see what writing style, length and keywords consistently perform the best. You’d also probably need to factor other things in too, like the photo(s) you use, the place you put the advert, your advertised rates, whether you are independent or working through an agency, who your target market is, whether you do in-calls or out-calls, and so on.

  9. James
    September 4, 2012

    I enjoyed reading the article, maybe Im a bit too long in the tooth to find anything new in it, but I thought I would throw this into the ring, Fake reviews, it happens.

    I wonder what the motivation was. Why not just say and pay you liked the sex :)

  10. Escort
    September 26, 2012

    This was really interesting, thank you

  11. ThoughtsFromAYank
    January 12, 2013

    For reasons unremembered, I ran across this blog. Very well written. Very well researched. Quite interesting.

    I live ‘across the pond’. Confession: when I began reading Jon’s blog I had to Google to find out what a “punter” is! Over here, I believe correctly, we refer to a “punter” as either a “john” or (for the more advanced) a “hobbyist.” Here, a “punter” is one who kicks (an American) football!

    All that aside, nice blog. Yet, I wonder … where’s the follow-up? Did Jon ever take indulge in Step Six? Did any of you UK providers offer to indulge him? And, if yes, would either Jon or the provider admit or write/blog about it? Smile.

    I live in Las Vegas. “Sin city.” It is difficult to find honesty anywhere it the world. It is *especially* difficult to find it in Las Vegas.

    Nice blog, Jon. Also, great comments from readers. But (bottom line) what questions did your research answer? Men want oral without condoms? Men prefer 34D’s? Et al.…

    I have spent many years and many, many hours searching for my “perfect” provider. Maybe I’ve been searching in the wrong place. Maybe she isn’t in Vegas but, rather, in the UK?!? Grin.

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